I-dentity

I do not remember her name, only that she was from South Lebanon and very bright in quantitative thinking. I was from Beirut and read poetry. Yet, we both were biology students and had already decided that we will continue our lives in a medical field.

One evening, after finishing our organic chemistry lab work, we sat on a bench atop the campus of the American University of Beirut and watched the sea. She asked me if I like theories or postulates. I did not know the difference and replied that I like physics.

… Thirty-five years have passed since my student days, and I had not thought about quantum mechanics, or that evening at the university. Until I picked up Walter Isaacson’s biography of Einstein while on vacation in the New England mountains. And I had an epiphany!

I recalled that a genetics-biology class had introduced us to the theories of existence (or were they postulates?)  From the “primordial amino acid soup” to the probabilistic coupling of atoms, elements and minerals, I remembered a theory that had no attraction to me then, but now, thirty-five years later, suddenly appeared endearing. It was the theory of “Directed Spermia”, which had its counter-thesis as “Pan-Spermia”.  The former proposed that existence was selectively initiated, while the latter argued that it was universal in its happening and timing, hence not directed. I do not recall how the teacher approached the question of whom or what directed or magnanimously sperminated the building blocks upon our planet for cells to form, then divide in a precise and repetitive way and create organisms. But that day, I found a parallel in physics in the probability of quantum mechanics and the determinism of Newton.

I put the book down and let my mind wander, this time around a topic which has been an integral building block of my thoughts and writings for the past decade—the concept of identity.

At first glance, there seemed no reason why quantum mechanics, determinism and spermia theories should make me think about identity.  How can sub-atomic theories of probability for calculating the position and momentum of a particle draw bridges over the struggles of understanding why we are who we are?  Why would the memory of that evening talk with a classmate three decades ago return to me:  was I still struggling with theories and postulates?

I looked at the mountains, forgot to drink my dark roast coffee, and hung my head down to read more. But my mind was now speeding faster than all the equations formulated by Einstein, Bohr and Plank. I knew a vault was opened and I had to peep in. So I did.

Thirty years in the Western hemisphere taught me to respect the individual gravitas of pursuing a self-made identity. And yet when I find myself in different cultures I feel uneasy with the thought that we are who we make. I did not find the space or time, however, for introspection or detached exploration. The days went by, and I remained an Armenian who was also a Lebanese, a Canadian, and American, maybe even French.

I rediscovered my parents when they established a new life in France. Their outlook was now different having done what they wanted to do in life. It was now time to be old folks and cherish the essential simplicities. And I was now older and transformed into a friend to my parents, in addition to being a son. When my parents died in Paris a few years apart, I cleaned their apartment, saved all the papers, photographs and souvenirs I could. For days I looked into the only bathroom mirror like my dad did every morning while shaving. And I saw myself as him, and I found him in me. I realized that I brushed my teeth like he used to—same strokes, facial expressions, number of rinses with cold water. And I smiled at the discovery that I did still keep photographs in a similar way as my mom always did - in shoeboxes.

Back to Newton and his postulate that “nature is pleased with simplicity”. While I had read extensively esteemed works about identity and origins, I had no simple description of what it meant for me. I was uneasy with the fact that if someone said “explain to me what is identity, in a few words”, I could not do so. Yet, as an immigrant more than once, I knew that identity had been part of my behavior in countries and among people I lived. It has been a defining attribute that I certainly have presented to others and most often received good reception.  Now, I was wondering if, as Heisenberg’s Uncertainty, I was not able to define it because I could not pin-down its exact posturing throughout my days, but can only have a probabilistic estimate of what it has meant to me and to others.

Then, a silly play on words triggered a formulation.  As I was listening to the interview of a basketball coach on radio, he repeated the cliché saying that “there is no “I” in TEAM.” And I said to myself “there is no “I” in IDENTITY”.

What does it mean?

I think that I now know and can explain it. I think that is why determinism, pan-spermia and simplicity whirled in my thoughts since I brushed my teeth “in” my father’s partly de-silvered mirror. There is no “I” in identity-the discovery of it is simply contingent on our willingness to unearth it from within us.

What a relief!

… “Can you explain to me what is identity, in a few words?”

Yes. It is what you uncover from within you when you are ready. It is what you always had in you but did not let it surface because you were expected to be someone else. And for whatever reason, you went along with that expectation.

And, I smile, because it reminds me, again, of a saying my mother often repeated “When you search for beauty, look inside yourself first. If it is not already there, you will never recognize it in others.”

Now I understand.

August 25, 2012

©Vahé Kazandjian, 2013